My Hopes and Yearnings

"My Hopes And Yearnings"
Psalm 130

I want you to think a minute with me about what your deepest yearnings are.  If I were to ask you that question, what would your answer be?  Some may want to work less and get paid more.  Or some may want to be independently wealthy.  Or along those lines, win the lottery.  Or be healthy.  Most everyone is dealing with some body issue.  It would be nice to be free of all that and just be healthy.

Maybe some of your deepest yearnings are about a wish to change your story.  To somehow relive your history so that your past wouldn't be your past.  That you would be free of certain memories of a cruel time when you experienced the gross unfairness of life.

I'm going to be bold here and say that however noble or self-centered those yearnings are, they aren't your deepest yearnings.  They aren't your dearest and most heartfelt longings.

I make that statement because I don't think you really know what your deepest yearnings are.  You aren't in touch with them, because they go deeper than you have ever dared probe before.

Social psychologists have come up with stage theories of human development.  That is, we as human beings develop along several stages, from birth to death.  Erik Erikson's stage theory is one of the more popular.  At each of those stages, Erickson says there is yearning that must be dealt with or we don't go on to the next stage well.  Let me zip through these stages quickly, just so you have a bit of an understanding of what I'm talking about.

The first stage is Trust vs. Mistrust.  Our deepest yearning at this stage—birth to 18 months—is having the assurance that the world is a safe place.  Or is the world full of unpredictable events and accidents waiting to happen?  If the care the infant receives is consistent, predictable and reliable, they will develop a sense of trust which will carry with them to other relationships, and they will be able to feel secure even when threatened.  That's our first yearning—to know we can trust the world and people around us.

The second stage of human development is called Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt.  Between the ages of 18 months and three, children begin to assert their independence.  If children in this stage are encouraged and supported in their increased independence, they become more confident and secure in their own ability to survive in the world.

If children are criticized, overly controlled, or not given the opportunity to assert themselves, they begin to feel inadequate in their ability to survive, and may then become overly dependent upon others, lack self-esteem, and feel a sense of shame or doubt in their abilities.  So at this stage, our deepest yearning is for self-confidence.

The third stage is Initiative vs. Guilt.  Around age three and continuing to age five, children assert themselves more frequently.  Children develop a sense of initiative and feel secure in their ability to lead others and make decisions.

Conversely, if this tendency is squelched, either through criticism or control, children develop a sense of guilt. They may feel like a nuisance to others and will, therefore, remain followers, lacking in self-initiative.  The deep yearning at this stage is the beginning of feeling a sense of leadership and purpose.

The fourth stage is called Industry (competence) vs. Inferiority.  This stage occurs during childhood between the ages of five and twelve.  If children are encouraged and reinforced for their initiative, they begin to feel industrious and feel confident in their ability to achieve goals. If this initiative is not encouraged, if it is restricted by parents or teacher, then the child begins to feel inferior, doubting his own abilities and therefore may not reach his or her potential.  Our deep yearning at this stage is a positive answer to the question, "Am I a person of competence?"

The fifth stage is Identity vs. Role Confusion.  It occurs during adolescence, from about 12-18 years.  During this stage, adolescents search for a sense of self and personal identity, through an intense exploration of personal values, beliefs and goals.  Two identities are involved: the sexual identity, and the values/beliefs identity.  These are huge, and when teenagers feel pressured by others into a certain identity, it can result in rebellion in the form of establishing a negative identity within their sexuality and their values.

There's a really good book that came out about 25 years ago titled, Leaving Home.  (I'm sorry I couldn't find it on the internet, so if you were interested, you could check it out.  It may be out of print.  I can do some more digging, if you're interested.)  The author's premise is teenagers whole yearning at this stage is leaving home.  They don't want to do it in one fell swoop, but in pieces.  Everything they are about is defining themselves apart from the growing up family, and the only way they think they can do that is by getting out of their family.  Thus, parents and teenagers enter into this weird dance of moving away from each other, then drawing close; moving away and drawing close.

The sixth stage is called Intimacy vs. Isolation.  Occurring in young adulthood (ages 18 to 40 yrs), we begin to share ourselves more intimately with others. We explore relationships leading toward longer-term commitments with someone other than a family member.  This is the stage the so-called Millennials (even though there may be no such things as millennials) would be in right now.

The main difference between how this stage worked when Erickson developed his stage theory and now, is called the internet.  Previous to the internet, people going through this stage did it face-to-face.  Now they are doing it via Facebook, Instagram and other social media.  The main yearning is still the same—developing deep relationship—but it's much different trying to accomplish that over the cyber net.

The second to last stage is Generativity vs. Stagnation.  This stage is when we are 40 to 65 years old.  During this stage we are trying to make an impact on our world, rather than the world making an impact on us.  We have developed our "vivid vision" for ourselves and we are trying to live into that vision.  We attempt to impact society through raising our children, being productive at work, and becoming involved in community activities and organizations.  By failing to achieve these objectives, by failing our Vivid Vision, we become stagnant and feel unproductive.  So our main yearning in this stage is for impact.

Lastly, stage eight, is called Ego Integrity vs. Despair.  That sounds awesome, doesn't it?  As we grow older (65+ yrs) and become senior citizens, we tend to slow down our productivity and explore life as a retired person. It is during this time that we contemplate our accomplishments and can develop integrity if we see ourselves as leading a successful life.  In doing so, we are attempting to answer at least two questions at once.  One is, "Is what society is telling me, that if I haven't reached my Vivid Vision yet, I never will—is that evaluation correct?  (I'd say it's a lie.  Don't believe it.)  The other question has to do with, "Have I lived a life I am proud of?"

Depending on how we answer those questions, if we see our lives as unproductive, feel guilt about our past, or feel that we did not accomplish our life goals, we become dissatisfied with life and develop despair, often leading to depression and hopelessness.  At this stage our deepest yearning has to do with wondering if we mattered.


As you can see by this stage theory of human development, our deepest yearnings change with whatever stage we are in.  None of these deep yearnings have to do with money, or independent wealth, or anything self-centered.  They all have to do with a person's place and role within other human relationships and our world.  As you are going through these stages and if you are trying to come out on the other side as a lone wolf, you are not succeeding at meeting our deepest yearnings for great relationships.

What I like about Psalm 130 is that it highlights some of our deepest yearning within our deepest yearnings.  Let's say that Erik Erickson is right in his observations about the stages we go through.  They are built upon very deep psycho social yearnings.  But as we go through each of those stages there are deeper needs we have, that Psalm 130 points to.

The first is in the first verse—I know this must be a deep, deep part of our yearnings, because the psalmist uses this phrase in a lot of psalms.  It reads:
From the depths of my despair I call to you, Lord.
Hear my cry, O Lord;
   listen to my call for help!

Hear me when I'm crying, O Lord.  Or, literally, "Hear my tears, O Lord."  What is the sound of tears flowing down from our eyes, cascading down our faces?  What is the sound of that salty water pooling in our eyes?  What is the sound of tears making their streaks and trails upon our cheeks?  What is that sound?  Whatever that sound is, God hears it.

In all of our stages of life there is pain and struggle and failure.  There are tears.  But it used to be we shared those tears, we privileged others, with our tears.  Crying was a communal thing—people cried with their families, with their friends, with community.  Crying wasn't considered a sign of weakness or shame by women or by men.

Now when I ask people about their crying, I find it has become an entirely private matter.  Tears are shed in the shower, or in the shop, or on the tractor.  It's a deeply human emoting that is hidden away in the closet.  You don't want anyone to see you or hear you.  But yet, but yet, you deeply wish someone heard, someone was paying attention.  You deeply yearn for someone to hold you while you cried.  "Hear my cry, O Lord.  Don't leave me alone in my tears…"

Isn't that a deep, deep secret yearning of us all?  Even though most of you probably cry alone, is not your deep, deep hope and yearning that through all your stages and ways of life, your tears will not go unheard or unnoticed?


The other deep, deep yearning Psalm 130 brings out has to do with forgiveness.
If you kept a record of our sins,
    who could escape being condemned?
But you forgive us,
    so that we should stand in awe of you.

The assumption and acknowledgement of that statement is that we mess up, and we mess up a lot.  The other truth of this statement is that we can't hide our messes from God.

Notice the "If" at the start of the statement.  It's in almost every translation.  The inference is that God could keep a record of our screw ups (plural) but chooses not to.  Instead of keeping a list, God simply forgives.  Since there is no list, that means God also forgets our mess ups and screw ups.

Who could stand?  Who could escape?  Who would last long?  (All depending on what version you are using.)  The assumption is that we would all be doomed!  We would be doomed because the other assumption behind the "God list" is that God sees all.  Nothing we do, say, think escapes God's ever watching eyes.  And, another assumption behind the "God list" is that we would each be judged for what's on our list; and that judgement wouldn't go well for us.

The "If" is countered, thank God, with the "But" of verse four.  "But, there is forgiveness with you…"  God evidently doesn't want to be known as the list-making God.

He's making a list,
He's checking it twice,
He's gonna find out who's naughty or nice
(God Almighty's) coming to town.

God could be a list-making God, But God doesn't want to.  God wants us to be attracted by forgiveness, not be afraid of God's "list."

Think about the stages of development you've already gone through.  All the times you've screwed up.  All the times you've made awful choices that led not to growth and spiritual maturity, but to more bad choices, and more messes.  All the times we sinned.

Isn't what God is promising in Psalm 130 what we hope and yearn for?  Forgiveness.  Understanding.  Someone who sees the big picture about us, which is the prerequisite for true and full forgiveness.  To know that God is not about finding fault, but finding a way into forgiveness for us.

These are our deepest hopes and yearnings in life—having someone who hears our tears; and having someone who knows us and forgives us anyway.  These yearnings have everything to do with God, and our acknowledgement of God in the deepest parts of our lives.  May you all find what you are most deeply yearning for.