The Ten Commandments of Anger Management

"The 10 Commandments of Anger Management"
Matthew 5:21-22


You have heard that it was said to the men of old, "You shall not kill; and whoever kills shall be liable to judgment."  But I say to you that every one who is angry with his brother shall be liable to judgment; whoever insults his brother shall be liable to the council, and whoever says, "You fool!" shall be liable to the hell of fire.


We embark on a Lenten sermon series about what are called the Seven Deadly Sins, or the Seven Capital Sins.  They are called the Capital sins because they are the sins from which all other sins flow.  And they are called the Deadly sins because it has been considered that if you harbor them in your spirit they are lethal to the soul's life in God.  They are fatal to our connection to the divine bliss both in this life and the life to come.  To hold on to any one of these seven is to condemn yourself to hellish states of existence in the afterlife.

The first of the seven that we'll take a look at this morning is anger.

People get angry.  Ministers are people.  Thus, even ministers get angry and say or do stupid things.  One country preacher found a dead mule on his lawn.  He phoned the state board of health to have it removed.  The young man who was taking down the information found out he was talking to a preacher.  So  the young man said, somewhat  snidely, "I thought preachers were supposed to take care of the dead."
The preacher replied, "Oh, we do, but I just thought I'd call and notify the next of kin."

We say and do things, when angry, that most of the time we wish we hadn't.  We wish we could take them back, but we can't.  It's interesting to me that the word "mad" has a couple of meanings.  First, someone could say to me, "I'm mad at you," meaning they are angry with me about something.  Or secondly, they could say, "Did you hear Wing's sermon; he's gone stark, raving mad."  Which would mean I've gone off the deep end.  Both meanings have to do with losing emotional control to some degree or another.

What are we supposed to do with our anger?  If anger is a basic human emotion, and our emotions were given to us by God as part of our humanity, then how can it be called a sin?  Especially a "deadly" sin?  When we think of sin, we usually think of choices--really bad choices--that people make that lead to their or others peril.  But if anger is a human emotion, it isn't a choice.  It is what is.  Therefore, the choice of anger is in how you handle what is.  If it is a basic human emotion then we need to talk in terms of "managing" our anger.  If anger is a deadly sin, then we need to talk in terms of eliminating it all together.

And where does Jesus' statement in the Sermon of the Mount fit in here:  mortal sin, or managed emotion?  Anger and insults seem like something manageable.  But the last statement about calling someone a fool, and being thrown into the fires of hell sounds fairly mortal to me.

What Jesus says there is if you call someone "Raca!" you're liable for the fires of hell.  No one knows what Raca means.  They think it means to be totally forsaken by God.  The inference being that if you get angry to the point that you make a judgment upon someone, telling them they are even unloveable by God, that's like playing God.  If our anger gets to the point that we play God, that makes God angry.  You don't want to do that.

I've read a lot about anger this week.  I want to relate a few major points of all that I've read to Jesus' short statement about anger, so we can figure out why anger is sinful.  In one of the articles, that talked about managing anger, I found what the author called, "The Ten Commandments of Anger Management."  I'm going to take his list of 10 and add some other material so that hopefully you can come to an understanding of your own anger and why the Lord wants you to keep it under control.

Here's the first one:  Recognize anger as a signal of vulnerability - you feel devalued in some way.

Our vulnerabilities are our tender places.  They are the places in our spirits where we've been hurt or damaged.  Others may know our vulnerable spots.  Most don't.  Some people don't even know their own vulnerabilities.  If you know another person well, you know where their soft spots are--where they hurt.  When we use terms like "pushing another person's button" we're really describing their soft spot.  It's their place of emotional pain.  You push someone else's button, and what happens?  They get angry.

They get angry because, first, you hurt them where they're already hurting.  But also they are angry because you took advantage of their vulnerability.  Which means we are feeling devalued.  We assume that you don't push on someone else's vulnerable spots whom you value.  If you get your button pushed you feel that you have no value in the pushers life.  So when we get angry, we're trying to protect ourselves, and our soft spots.  We use anger to regulate our vulnerability with another person.

But what we are tempted to do with our anger is retaliate by devaluing the person who devalued us.  They pushed our button.  Out of our anger, we push buttons back.  That leads to a hurtful spiral that destroys relationship.

I think that's part of what's behind Jesus' statement about anger.  If anger is about devaluing people, or used as a weapon hurt people where they are already vulnerable, and then to launch back and devalue an aggressor, then both lose, because the relationship suffers.  What Jesus was about was strengthening relationship bonds, especially amongst "brothers and sisters"--fellow disciples.

If this is true, that leads us to the second commandment of handling our anger:  When angry, think or do something that will make you feel more valuable, i.e., worthy of appreciation.
If you're playing the angry punching bag game, there are two ways to win.  Keep punching until the other gives up; but then has anyone really won?  Or put your hands to your side, and stop your defensiveness.

That's the stark teaching of Jesus about if someone slaps you on the one cheek, offer the other as well.  By offering your other cheek to be slapped, you are actually challenging the aggressor to NOT slap you.  By putting your hands to your sides, you are challenging them to be compassionate and end the fight.  It isn't a sign of being a wimp in a fight.  It's a sign of strength, challenging the other to put down their gloves of anger as well, and end the sparring in a non-angry way.

What makes a person feel more valuable than reestablishing relationship through compassion rather than anger?  Do you feel more valuable because you have brow beat a person into submission?  Or do you feel more valuable as a human being (and a disciple) because you saved a relationship in a non-angry way?

The third commandment of anger management is:  Don't trust your judgment when angry. Anger magnifies and amplifies only the negative aspects of an issue, distorting realistic appraisal.

One of the main reasons you can’t trust your judgment when angry is because of what’s happening in your body.  When you get angry your nervous system is activated and heightened.  Your heart rate elevates.  Your blood pressure elevates.  Your eyes dilate.  Your digestion halts, as more stomach acid is pumped into your digestive system to digest any food that may be there more quickly for energy use.  Pain messages to the brain are blocked.  A hormone, epinephrine, is secreted into your brain giving you a false feeling of invinceability.  And your throat is stimulated for shouting or roaring.

All of this interferes with your brain’s ability to effectively process information.  The reason your body is doing all this activation of bodily functions is because anger is a reaction to a threat.  You have evaluated another person as an enemy, your brain perceives that, and automatically kicks all those bodily functions into high gear, getting you ready to do battle.  Your body is getting ready, but in order to do that, your cognitive, thinking functions are decreasing.  So your real enemy, when you get angry, is within, not without.

What do you find you are saying, after the angry, combative juices stop flowing?  You find yourself saying, “I’m sorry.  I just WASN’T THINKING.”  And you know what?  You’d be right.  Because your body isn’t allowing you to think when angry.

Jesus doesn’t allow us to have enemies.  If you are angry, and if you are constantly angry, then you are treating too many people as the enemy.  We aren’t allowed that, as Christians.  We are to find another way.

The fourth commandment of anger management is:  Try to see the complexity of the issue. Anger requires narrow and rigid focus that ignores or oversimplifies context.

When we get angry we, because of our anger, only see things in black and white, good or bad, right or wrong.  Most of the time, issues are more complex than that.  As I just mentioned, our thinking brains get minimized when we’re angry, so we can’t process the grey areas of a situation.  Only when we calm down, and minimize the bodily functions that are going on, can our brains return to the more complex reasoning that we need to really see and deal with our anger producing situations.

Another part of understanding the complexity of the issues involved means understanding the circumstances of anger.  There are three parts to this.

First, there is the trigger event.  Something happens that sets you off.  Let’s use the example of being cut off by another driver while driving.  One little girl asked her father, when they were driving around, “Daddy, why do the jerks and idiots only come out while you’re driving?”  The problem here is that people mistakenly think the trigger event is the cause of their anger.

The second part, is your own individual character.  This has to do with your own personality, as well as your pre-anger state.  As far as your own personality, maybe you are a highly competitive person and you see driving as a competition with others on the road.  Or maybe you’re a narcissist, and the guy who cut you off doesn’t realize who you are, and affronted your superiority.  Or maybe you have a low-frustration tolerance and it’s not just driving--everything pushes your button.  Those are all personality traits that feed anger, totally apart from the trigger event.

And thirdly, and most importantly, our anger arises from our appraisal of the situation.  How we appraise or evaluate a situation will determine our level of anger.  What do I think it means that I was cut off in traffic?  We get angry simply because we personally evaluate the situation as blameworthy, unjustified, punishable, etc.  What happens if we stop and appraise the situation differently?  Our appraisal may not be accurate.  Are we willing to accept that, and thus, derail all our anatomic anger responses?

The fifth commandment goes along with this one:  Know that your temporary state of anger has prepared you to fight when you really need to learn more, solve a problem, or, if it involves a loved one, be more compassionate.

The sixth commandment is:  Strive to understand other people's perspectives. When angry you assume the worst or outright demonize the object of your anger.

Because our anger makes the other person out to be the enemy, a further step can be taken in which we equate that person with the devil.  They are evil incarnate.  They are inhuman.  They don’t deserve to be treated humanely.  Again, we aren’t allowed by Jesus to have enemies.  And we certainly are not allowed to play God and decide, in our anger, who deserves to be demonized.

The seventh commandment is:  Don't justify your anger. Instead, consider whether it will help you act in your long-term best interest.

This is a process that happens after you have already been angry and words and maybe other household items have been let fly.  You’ve cooled down.  You understand, alarmingly, that you’ve been an idiot.  Now what do you do?  Do you try and justify your actions?  Do you rationalize in order to save face?  Or do you, because it would serve the long term interest of the relationship you just harmed, to confess and ask forgiveness?

Commandment number eight is:  Know your physical and mental resources. Anger is more likely to occur when tired, hungry, sick, confused, anxious, preoccupied, distracted, or overwhelmed.

This goes along with the fourth commandment, where I was talking about knowing your own individual characteristics.  Part of that is assessing your pre-anger state.  Were you tired?  Do you get angry most often when you are tired?  Are you really anxious about something else, and anger is simply being used as a way to discharge your heightened anxiety.  For example, if you were just driving back from the doctor’s office and they found an ominous “shadow” on your MRI, your anxiety is bound to be elevated.  Self protection ramps up, and you are more likely to get angry as a way to deal with it.  Or, in your pre-anger state, were you already angry about something else?  One anger just fed into another.

The ninth commandment says:  Focus on improving and repairing rather than blaming. It's hard to stay angry without blaming and it's harder to blame when focused on repairing and improving.

Anger and blame are the peddlers of the tandem bike of a bad situation.  We’re not wrong, bad, selfish, inconsiderate!  It’s that so-and-so.  That so-and-so may be your spouse, your child, your neighbor, your co-worker, your client.  Fearlessly ask yourself, “OK; what was my part in this escalating bad situation?”  And deal with it, as a responsible, Christian human being.  At some point, in the midst of anger you have to decide between two choices:  Do I want to be right?  Or, do I want to keep the relationship with this other person?

And the tenth and final commandment is:  When angry, remember your deepest values. Anger is about devaluing others, which is probably inconsistent with your deepest values.

I think this is the most important, and the one that gets at the heart of Jesus’ words about anger clearest.  That which will protect you against anger the best is remembering your core values as a Christian.  To get angry to the point of demeaning and devaluing another human being; to get angry to the point of treating another person as an enemy--even and especially those we love; to get angry to the point of making another person out to be the devil, and judging as if you are God, is all against the basic, core values of who you profess to be as a disciple of Jesus Christ.

If you are an angry person, if you get angry often and ferociously, then you better ask yourself a really tough question:  Have I really turned my life over to Christ or not?  Have I fully and faithfully made Christ’s core values my own?  Constant and demeaning anger points to a negative answer to those questions.

That’s why anger is such a deadly sin.  This kind of anger goes so against the core values of who we are as Christians, it kills faith.  It kills life in the church.  It kills our relationship with God, won for us at such a high price through Jesus Christ.

That's why anger is a deadly sin.