Proverbs 10:17; 12:1; 12:15; 15:12; 15:32; 17:10
A minister was leading worship at his new church. He preached what everyone thought was an excellent sermon. The second Sunday rolled around and the new Pastor preached the same sermon as the previous week. People thought it was a little odd, but rolled with it. But when the minister did the same the following two weeks, people got concerned.
A couple of the Elders visited with the new Pastor and expressed their concern. "That was a great sermon you preached the first Sunday you were here. But then the same sermon the next week and for the following three weeks? What's up with that? When are you going to preach a different sermon?"
The Pastor looked at them and said, "When you do something about the first sermon I preached."
Oooo, snap! (I've always wanted to try that, but never have had the guts to do it.)
Preaching is kind of an odd practice, when you think about it. I get to stand up here Sunday after Sunday and tell you how to live your lives. And Sunday after Sunday, you come and allow me to tell you how I think you should or could live your lives.
If you were listening to a speech or presentation, there might be a question-answer session afterwards, but not with a sermon. You just have to take it or leave it, as far as my advice goes. Usually any evaluation happens over Sunday lunch. It used to be called, "having fried preacher for lunch."
"What'd you think of the sermon today?"
"Meh."
"Yeah, me too."
We preachers don't get to hear what you think about our weekly sterling advice.
Every once in a great while someone will be talking with me and say something like, "Remember that sermon you preached about three months ago? That was such a good message—I've been thinking about it a lot." That's nice to hear (even if I don't remember which sermon they were talking about).
When I'm writing the sermon each week, I believe the Lord has someone in mind to hear my words. I never know who it is. But often someone will be shaking my hand after the worship is over and lean in and say, "That message was just for me this morning," and then I'll know who the Lord wanted to hear my great advice. Hearing someone say that is always nicer than someone saying, "Too bad ol' what's-his-name wasn't here this morning. He needed to hear that sermon!"
So, in a big way, that's what preaching and sermons are: they are 20 minutes of me giving you unsolicited advice. What an honor and privilege it is for me that you come and listen to it. You don't have to. You come voluntarily for my amazing bon mots of spiritual advice about how you should be living. You are trusting me to give you advice! That is a great trust, and I thank you for that trust. If someone were to just walk up to you on the sidewalk, and started giving you advice about your life, I think I know how that would go.
Here's a short list of useless advice people have gotten from others on twitter:
Don't dwell on your failures. Just accept that you are a loser, and move on.
Watering plants only teaches dependence. Letting them die is a valuable lesson for plants learning to look after themselves.
Having a golf handicap does not entitle you to park in disabled spaces.
If at first you don't succeed, maybe skydiving isn't for you.
Red traffic lights are not just a suggestion.
Make the best of a bad situation by blaming someone else.
Make your vegetarian sausages taste even better by wrapping them in bacon.
(Cartoon:)
Think about this past month. I have been doing a series of advice sermons based on the book of Proverbs. The book of Proverbs is, itself, a long list of advice that fathers are supposed to give to their sons. I started out with a message about what makes a good marriage. Then I talked about the "blowhole" in the middle of our faces called the mouth, and how it can harm or heal. Then I preached to you in an amazingly excellent way about pride and arrogance. I then moved on, in last weeks message, to talk to you about laziness, while I lay on a couch. And this morning, the ultimate advice sermon talking about accepting advice.
As the saying goes, nobody likes correction or criticism. I don't know about you, but for me it started young, in school, when I'd get a paper back and it would be full of red marks, made by the teacher. Maybe some of you weren't lucky enough to get red marks all over you paper, and a smaller number on the top of that paper than most the other students, and that number was written and circled in red.
It got to the point where I didn't even look at my returned papers any more. Each one had the red marks of failure on them. Even though they were just gradings on a particular paper in a particular subject, it seemed bigger than that to a kid like me. It seemed like a criticism of who I was as a person. How could I defend myself against a teacher's red marks on my paper? They were marks of power and authority and criticism and evaluation.
How was I, as a 7, 8, 9, 10 year old supposed to accept that? They don't teach kids that in school—how to accept evaluation and criticism. We're supposed to figure that out on our own. And on top of that, we have to take those red marked papers home and show them to our parents, and hear and experience their critical disappointment as well.
Even the words used in these Proverbs seem harsh: reproof, discipline, corrected, refuted, chastisement, criticism, reprimand, rejection, warning, restraint, brutish, make mouth at. We're supposed to be wise if we can accept these things, but we're fools if we don't. It's no wonder many of us grow up not taking criticism well. Not wanting to listen to advice.
Here are a few things I wish someone would have sat me down and told or taught me about accepting advice or taking criticism.
The first piece of my advice is not to go global but particular. For me, when someone gave me advice, or criticized me, instantly I would go into ego defense mode. I felt like I was having to protect who I was rather than a particular thing I did wrong. I got a few math problems wrong. I'm not a total idiot. There's a huge difference. Getting a few math problems wrong is fixable. Being called a total idiot who would never learn, much less so.
This is advice for both the criticizer and the person being criticized. If you are in the position of having to offer criticism and advice, be as particular as possible. Here's some advice Mark Graber gives out almost weekly: "If you want to operate this computer most effectively, you have to plug it in first." That's particular. That simple. That's fixable. A global criticism is something like this: "You are one heaping serving of moron on the plate of life." That kind of criticism is not particular. It's not simple. It's not fixable.
The later kind of criticism will make the person being criticized immediately throw up the walls of ego defense. That second kind of criticism gives the criticized only two choices: 1) I am not a moron; 2) I am a moron, and I don't know what I can do to fix that. It is demeaning The person being criticized has to evaluate, "Is this criticism particular or global?"
In order to evaluate between the two, it means taking a few minutes and decide which it is so you can work out an appropriate response. Take a deep breath and give it a little thought. That goes for the criticizer and the criticized.
Allow some objectivity, as well as taking the heat out of the emotion you may be feeling. Let your emotions run their course, and then respond.
A second response to criticism or someone giving us advice has to do with our assumptions about what the advice giver is up to. As I think back to those school days as a kid, I must have assumed the teacher was trying to make me feel as bad as possible about myself. Because what would happen more often than not, what followed a marked up paper was isolation. No follow up.
If the teacher had followed up and come to my desk and said something like, "OK, Steve, show me how you are adding these numbers so we can see where you're going wrong. I think it must be something simple, because your answers are close to being right. We can fix this." That way I would assume the teacher has good intentions. But when I was left alone to stare at all the red, with no follow-up, then my assumptions go all over the place.
That goes for the advice giver as well. Follow up on the advice you give after a few days. Let the person you criticized know that you aren't just hitting them with a shotgun blast of advice and leaving them to bleed out, emotionally.
Assumptions about the persons intentions are huge in how well we accept advice or take criticism from another person. We will be much less ego defensive if we assume the other person is just trying to help and have our best interest in mind.
And lastly, yearn to improve. People who are life-long learners live longer. They access more of life. Being a human being is a continual work in progress. As my AA friends say, it's all about progress not perfection. Progress means going forward constantly.
Going forward constantly and being a life long learner means we have to have the attitude that we can learn something from everyone. Everyone's advice has the potential of helping us make progress as a human being. We aren't perfect; we don't know everything. Advice and criticism can keep us going along the way.
This may seem counter intuitive, but maybe what we need to do is ask for criticism on a regular basis. This may be a really tough thing to do, especially if you hate criticism – but by asking for it, you are putting yourself in an empowerment position. Instead of people coming to you to tell you what’s wrong, you can go to them first and ask, even if everyone seems happy with who you are and what you are doing with your life.
Again, I thank you for allowing me to be a weekly advice giver for you, for voluntarily coming to listen to my sermons. I try to be faithful to God during this time of the worship service, and faithful to the Word of God as I put the sermon together each week. I pray that, once in a while, you hear something worthwhile, as I impart my thoughts and advice to you.
Next Sunday, we will depart from our normal Sunday School lesson and have an open session about what you found in the Book of Proverbs, what you learned, and what wisdom you gained as you've been reading Proverbs this past month. Please join in.
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